Slack is built on the delusion that email-the-medium was the problem, and not the terrible communication skills of the people using it.

If we must Slack, then we should Slack harder than anyone has ever Slacked before. This is how to win Slack.

1. The Emoji Analyst

Insist that people explain their emoji reactions in detail so you can understand exactly what that specific smile with the tongue means”. Tell them that in your culture, it means something different.

2. The Context Switcher

Wait for your colleague to post a reply to your message, then edit your original message to make their reply seem completely inappropriate. @mention your HR rep in the thread with just FYI, no action needed”.

3. The Balance Destroyer

Find a post with perfectly balanced numbers of emoji reactions, and add your vote to everything but one of them to ruin the symmetry.

4. The Old Switcheroo

When you see your colleague is typing for a long time in response to your question, quickly change the subject to something more urgent just before they finally hit enter. Never refer back to the original question.

5. The Knock and Run

Send a private message to a colleague asking if you can speak urgently about something big, then immediately log out for the day. For bonus points, set up an auto-response on your email, directing any urgent inquiries to the same colleague.

6. The Heavyweight champion

Never use a 10 second video when you can use a 200MB animated gif instead. Preferably a stilted, 16 colour version.

7. The Anticipation Aneurysm

Use automation tools to make it seem like you are always typing, but never actually send a message.

8. The Almost Irritant

Create a truly annoying and pointless Slack bot but make sure it triggers just rarely enough that nobody ever bothers to go and remove it.

9. The Thread End

Create thread click bait by starting threads beneath important work messages so people click through. Post I’ve removed this (edited) as the entire comment.

10. The @Heresy

Use @here regularly, but always to admonish people for not setting up their notifications properly.